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I kept this article from the Australian as I really liked the way it was written and I'm rather a fan of Bernard Salt. I can't say I feel quite so strongly against coffee drinkers (being an occasional imbiber myself) but I agree with the sentiment. I have even been to places that charge me more for a cup of tea than they charge for a fancy coffee! The nerve!
Tea drinkers must rise up against the coffee-swilling elite
Do you know what I can't stand?
Coffee drinkers. You may scoff, but tea drinkers such as me are sick of being treated as second-class citizens by the coffee elite. There I am, waiting in line to be served at a Collins Street cafe and the person in front order coffee. How long does it take to make a cup of coffee?
Coffee-making is a ritual that demands the attention of everyone within earshot. It's not so much the tedious ordering but the preparation. It starts with two thumping bangs on the bench rather like a judge hitting his gavel to signal the start of the proceedings. This is followed by swishing and swooshing. And it doesn't end until the barista carves what I am sure is a pagan design on the froth.
All the while everyone in the queue must stand in reverential silence, watching and waiting. This is just the way coffee drinkers like it: They are at the centre of all this commotion. It's all done for them, to satisfy their need, their desire -- no, their shameless lust -- for coffee.
For coffee drinkers, it's all about me. Look at me. I'm a coffee drinker and I'm ordering a coffee that takes a long time and a lot of noise to prepare. Did you know that coffee has mystical powers? If a coffee drinker drinks a "sophisticated coffee", then they think that coffee has the power to make them more sophisticated. It's a bit sad, really. All too often coffee drinkers think they're, you know, a bit lah-de-dah. Well, they're not.
Do you know, coffee drinkers, that the only reason no one has ever told you this before is because we tea people are too polite. That's right. We are so well mannered that we don't want to create a scene. Well, not any more. I'm calling on tea drinkers everywhere to take their rightful place in the beverage hierarchy.
Never heard of the beverage hierarchy? Well, that's probably because you're a coffee drinker. Only tea people know about the beverage hierarchy. At the pinnacle of this drinks pyramid is the red wine drinker. And as you've probably guessed, I also don't drink red wine. I am doubly damned. You want proof of the existence of a beverage hierarchy? There I am on a plane bumped into business, where the flight attendants offer wine with the meal. The attendants smile; the red wine drinkers smile; they have a cosy discussion about wine; they titter and they tatter in a red wine-colluding sort of way. I am on the outer; I can only observe from afar this beverage bonding between waiter and waited-upon.
I am offered red wine but reject it. I am offered white wine but reject it. I am offered coffee but reject it. Finally I am offered tea. But by the time I am offered tea the red wine guy has been topped up. Here is the beverage hierarchy writ large. Red wine guy gets seconds before tea person gets firsts. Back at the Collins Street cafe and finally it's my turn to order. "Black tea, please." And as soon as the word "tea" falls from my lips I know what the barista is thinking. He's thinking, "what is a tea drinker doing sullying the tone of my coffee queue?" Not that he says that, but I know he's thinking exactly that.
And when the barista gets my tea, he puts a tea bag beside a cup of hot water on a plate and says "$4, thanks". Four dollars? Four dollar! But you just charged that coffee drinker $4 for a hand-crafted froth-designed latte that took two minutes to prepare.
Then it dawned on me. My tea-drinking simplicity, taking all of 30 seconds to prepare, is cross-subsidising the coffee elite's designer beverages: part of my $4 pays for the production costs of fancy-pants coffee.
As you can imagine, this injustice rankles with tea drinkers everywhere. But not all tea drinkers share my outrage. Apparently there are some people who drink tea at home but coffee when out. This is very sad. Clearly so opposed are some tea drinkers that they feel compelled to live a double life. Come out, tea drinkers, and be proud of your beverage orientation.
I have a dream. I dream of a time when tea drinkers get served before red wine drinkers get top-ups. I dream of a time when cafes charge for the time it takes to prepare hot drinks. And I dream of a time when coffee is prepared without thumping and swooshing. Because if coffee was prepared in silence, as for tea, then coffee would cease to have appeal to those who clearly like to be at the centre of attention.
The Australia, 18 November 2010
What are your thoughts?
Tea drinkers must rise up against the coffee-swilling elite
Do you know what I can't stand?
Coffee drinkers. You may scoff, but tea drinkers such as me are sick of being treated as second-class citizens by the coffee elite. There I am, waiting in line to be served at a Collins Street cafe and the person in front order coffee. How long does it take to make a cup of coffee?
Coffee-making is a ritual that demands the attention of everyone within earshot. It's not so much the tedious ordering but the preparation. It starts with two thumping bangs on the bench rather like a judge hitting his gavel to signal the start of the proceedings. This is followed by swishing and swooshing. And it doesn't end until the barista carves what I am sure is a pagan design on the froth.
All the while everyone in the queue must stand in reverential silence, watching and waiting. This is just the way coffee drinkers like it: They are at the centre of all this commotion. It's all done for them, to satisfy their need, their desire -- no, their shameless lust -- for coffee.
For coffee drinkers, it's all about me. Look at me. I'm a coffee drinker and I'm ordering a coffee that takes a long time and a lot of noise to prepare. Did you know that coffee has mystical powers? If a coffee drinker drinks a "sophisticated coffee", then they think that coffee has the power to make them more sophisticated. It's a bit sad, really. All too often coffee drinkers think they're, you know, a bit lah-de-dah. Well, they're not.
Do you know, coffee drinkers, that the only reason no one has ever told you this before is because we tea people are too polite. That's right. We are so well mannered that we don't want to create a scene. Well, not any more. I'm calling on tea drinkers everywhere to take their rightful place in the beverage hierarchy.
Never heard of the beverage hierarchy? Well, that's probably because you're a coffee drinker. Only tea people know about the beverage hierarchy. At the pinnacle of this drinks pyramid is the red wine drinker. And as you've probably guessed, I also don't drink red wine. I am doubly damned. You want proof of the existence of a beverage hierarchy? There I am on a plane bumped into business, where the flight attendants offer wine with the meal. The attendants smile; the red wine drinkers smile; they have a cosy discussion about wine; they titter and they tatter in a red wine-colluding sort of way. I am on the outer; I can only observe from afar this beverage bonding between waiter and waited-upon.
I am offered red wine but reject it. I am offered white wine but reject it. I am offered coffee but reject it. Finally I am offered tea. But by the time I am offered tea the red wine guy has been topped up. Here is the beverage hierarchy writ large. Red wine guy gets seconds before tea person gets firsts. Back at the Collins Street cafe and finally it's my turn to order. "Black tea, please." And as soon as the word "tea" falls from my lips I know what the barista is thinking. He's thinking, "what is a tea drinker doing sullying the tone of my coffee queue?" Not that he says that, but I know he's thinking exactly that.
And when the barista gets my tea, he puts a tea bag beside a cup of hot water on a plate and says "$4, thanks". Four dollars? Four dollar! But you just charged that coffee drinker $4 for a hand-crafted froth-designed latte that took two minutes to prepare.
Then it dawned on me. My tea-drinking simplicity, taking all of 30 seconds to prepare, is cross-subsidising the coffee elite's designer beverages: part of my $4 pays for the production costs of fancy-pants coffee.
As you can imagine, this injustice rankles with tea drinkers everywhere. But not all tea drinkers share my outrage. Apparently there are some people who drink tea at home but coffee when out. This is very sad. Clearly so opposed are some tea drinkers that they feel compelled to live a double life. Come out, tea drinkers, and be proud of your beverage orientation.
I have a dream. I dream of a time when tea drinkers get served before red wine drinkers get top-ups. I dream of a time when cafes charge for the time it takes to prepare hot drinks. And I dream of a time when coffee is prepared without thumping and swooshing. Because if coffee was prepared in silence, as for tea, then coffee would cease to have appeal to those who clearly like to be at the centre of attention.
The Australia, 18 November 2010
What are your thoughts?
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